New December

It's blistering cold outside
It's the first day of December
Only 22 days
I will be 35

On my big 30
I remember. ..i was thanking God
I was done with chemo
I was looking foward to growing my hair
Getting my sense of taste and smell back to normal
I was beginning to look in the mirror again
After all those weeks and months of ...
Feeling lost in a bubble of
Toxins and fears

At my 30th birthday
All I could start to feel is
God must love me
I'm still here
I'm still alive

It's been almost five years
Here I am
What a journey
Now...this is now

How much have i changed
I wonder what this me would have done back then
They i see me
And know...
There's nothing I can change
From.back then
It ...was..as ..it should
So that I now
Can be
This me

If I go back and touch that's scar it is not
Because ...
Cancer ...surviving cancer
Defined who I am
No
I beleive that a survivor is someone that is able to control the out come of the tragedy occurring
I beleive that having cancer
And surviving it
Was not in my control
I have a job to do
Follow the orders of the doctor
Show up to chemo
Do everything in my power
not to allow my body to give up
But ultimately ...
My choice
To be alive
Was not mine
I beleive strongly
God...
He chose
He let me go through the fire
Held my hand
Gave me strength
And let me live

Therefore I do not label myself as a survivor
Yet ...i write
Yet I speak
Bcuz I was very blessed
But I have seen the fight
That has beat others
That is beating many

I write for them
For me
We must know
That there truly is hope
Cancer is not a synonym
Of death

I write
Because in my words
I wish
To bring comfort
Hope each words may be woven
With strings
That will reach
The hopeless
And create an Invisible rope
Strong enough
To hold on to.when the storm waters
Seem to drown