5 yrs and more

his face

did not match his voice

he smiled and said

my oh my you look the same

only you were 28 and now...

how do you feel

i said ..

not 28 that is for sure

he smiled and said 

i grew some grey

in my head all i could say is

why are you a familiar stranger to me

five years he said 

let keep going shall we

i smiled and said

are we on the right path

he smiled back and said

well my darling

the tumor markers are slightly high

no need to worry

you dont have signs of it being back

 

lets start the parade of test shall we

just to make sure

he then hugged me and said till next time

soon

i sat there

in the empty room

wondering

where was I 5 yrs ago

i really wanted 

to be starring into 

a window

of familiarity

hear some voice 

that comforted me

but instead of daydreaming

i started to change my hospital gown

to my own clothes

and as i did that

i stared at me

in the mirror

tears smeared my eyeliner

i grabbed my phone

to dial

and i realized

breathe

its going to be OK

wash your face and 

walk on out

except i kept running in my head

trying to find my way

back to me

it really did happen to me

no one knows

what this did to me

no ne would guess

that I am this now

because of it

no one

cares to know

except maybe you

who reads me 

you see

it was a nightmare

i am barely waking up from

i lost more than my breast my uterus my ovaries my hair

o lost me

and in the process of finding me

i lost you

life

learning to live

killed me a little bit 

remaking me 

is hard

become a new me after it

is hard

i wish you would see

the inside of my soul

I am not that anymore

all the mess that ripped all life in its path

I am not that

I am

silent now

i am peaceful now

i am kind

and i am real

i am truthful

and i am

clear

i am light weight

i am

 a person who has made so many mistakes

broken

fallen

trying so hard to be a better version each day

letting go of so many demons

and baggage 

learning to live right now

for a better five years to come